I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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