i think my tv is drunk
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
