we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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