I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
