Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
