i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
