oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
