It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
