On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
