I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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