Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
