just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
