i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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