So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
