we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
