There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think my moral compass just broke
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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