you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
