Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
