last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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