Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
