Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
