my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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