"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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