How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Found the puke drawer
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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