My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize