That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
