In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
People in love make me want to vomit
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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