Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
