plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
