I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
