I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
