This girl is more easily done than said...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
