My underwear smells like fireworks.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
