last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
