Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
