Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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