My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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