don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
