hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
