Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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