Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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