I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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