Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can't put those talents on a resume
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
