I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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