It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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