you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
