Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
