I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
