So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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