I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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