"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
