I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
