wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
