I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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