You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
