i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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