shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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